contemplation

First, let me say that I do have light and heat in spite of last night's ice storm, and apparently I'm very lucky on both those counts.

I'm also apparently lucky in that I have not recently been threatened by rabid semi-aquatic fish-eating mammals.

Moving on...

Here I am, sitting at home at 9:30pm on a Friday night. Now, I'd like to think I wouldn't be sitting at home if it weren't for the fact that I'm on call for work. And it really is quite possible, since there were several enticing options for evening activities today... though, OK, I admit that as usual when I can't quite decide what to do, the idea of staying home was already gaining momentum when the work phone rang and made the decision easy.

Truth is, I think that (knock on wood) I'm fairly close to finished with grad school essays and being able to pull together the whole darn thing and send it off. Today I got the third and final (and longest) essay to a point at which I was actually ready to send it to a few people for comments. It's not quite "there" yet but it's finally close. As I said to one of my essay readers, I feel like I've dragged the thing kicking and screaming this far, if in fact an essay can kick and scream (and it sure feels like it).

And I am totally at loose ends. I've been living and breathing grad school applications for the better part of three months now. What did I do before that? Sure, there are a few things I want to and should be doing - practicing my bass, reading some good books, catching up on emails and phone calls and volunteer projects, getting back into yoga... and anything else that does not allow for massive time-frittering on the internet (she said to the internet), which is quite the hazard of sitting with a laptop on my lap all the time. And I know I will get back to those much more important things, slowly but surely.

I will admit, too, that I have occasionally enjoyed having a good excuse to stay home over the past few months. There has long been a tension in my life of being simultaneously an introvert and an extrovert, and introversion tends to win out particularly at this darkening time of year, and when I'm tired and stressed. I do love people; I just don't necessarily want to be around them.

Yet, I suck at sitting at home and being truly sequestered. Or I don't suck at it; I'm just massively out of practice.

I recall being quite the busy woman before this grad school project took over my life and free time. What was I doing? Where did it go? And why am I so bad at being unscheduled? Why am I totally freaked out by the idea of soon having a lot more free time?

I know, I know: that's dumb. I will look back someday and desperately wish for this problem. I'm not actually complaining, just being introspective (in writing. on the internet.) and rather frustrated with myself. It could certainly be worse. I could be defending my unlit, unheated home from rabid otters with a lacrosse stick.