believe it or not

I am ever-fascinated by the mystique that seems to surround New York City, and the obnoxious obsession with its own greatness that pervades feelings and writings about the place. Of course, a local paper should probably be something of a cheerleader for its hometown, even if that local paper is the New York Times. So I can't be too annoyed by this article. That said, I really have to take issue with a few specific examples of that obsession.

For one, the way that many, include this article's authors, totally exaggerate the "rude New Yorker" reputation. Actually, I've always been pleasantly surprised by the willingness of New Yorkers to stop and help someone find their way. I visited New York twice before I lived there, and both times, as I found myself on a street corner trying to plot my course on a subway map, had people stop and ask me if I needed help finding my way.

I made a point of doing it while I lived there, because I was so happy to have that myth dispelled for me when I was a tourist. Funny thing is, I got asked for directions all the time - literally, every day - at the beginning, when I was fairly clueless myself. As time went on and I got pretty good at it, fewer people asked me. Perhaps New York doesn't harden your soul so much as your face.

And sure, I've had rude cab drivers, but more often I've experienced the (sometimes annoyingly insistent) friendliness of cabbies who actually want to know about me and to talk about their day. Maybe that's because I started the small talk. Maybe New York just isn't actually exempt from the Golden Rule.

So many times I've wanted to shout "YES it's OK to love living in New York! I just don't, AND THAT'S OK TOO."

I can't figure out if New Yorkers have to tell themselves and the world that they're unique and rude and tough in order to gird themselves to put up with the craziness, or if they really want to believe it. Or if they hear "I don't like living here" as "I am weaker than you and/or less able to appreciate the wonders of this city" because the culture of the city mandates it or because a lot of them would otherwise have to admit that they don't actually like living there either.

It's not just "the sinking realization of what an alienating place the city can be, especially for those who are not wealthy or who do not have a pre-existing network of friends." It's not that "the subway maze seems indecipherable." It's the obsession with money, and the need to spend lots and lots of it to live in a non-shitty apartment in a relatively safe and interesting neighborhood within an hour's subway trip of anything worthwhile (like, um, your job).

It's that it's much easier to eat out and go shopping than to get away from traffic and see the stars at night, and I've realized that my priorities are the other way around. It's that that realization doesn't make me weak, but that the New York Times wants you to think it does.

An interesting thing happened when I decided to move to Vermont from New York: a lot of people I talked to got a faraway look in their eyes and spoke wistfully about how great that sounded. Some of them have families and friends and lives settled enough that staying is just easier than leaving. Many have great jobs that are only in NYC. And I totally respect that; I miss the organization I worked for in the city, and one of my major hesitations about going to grad school is that many of the jobs that would be appealing and available afterward are there and nowhere else. We all have to set our own priorities and find ways balance them, despite it often being logistically and emotionally difficult.

And, yes, before anyone gets too pissed off at me, I know perfectly well that many people - good, friendly, interesting people - completely love it there and have wonderful lives and friends and really sincerely can't imagine wanting to live anywhere else. And I'm happy for them.

I just get tired of insisting that I didn't get chewed up and spit out. I just didn't like it. You might hate living in Brattleboro, VT. That's fine. That's why both places exist and are populated (the latter with many transplants from the former, actually).

While this whole thing probably sounds like a defensive tantrum, it's really intended only to offer another perspective that you won't get from that article. My perspective is that, nope, the city didn't fit me; it was always an XXL t-shirt on a small frame, and a grimy-yet-incredibly-overpriced one at that. But actually it wasn't as mean and intimidating as they apparently would have you believe.

It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.