leaving

WOW this is a weird feeling.

I've worked at this place for two years and two months, over three seasons of the Alternative Breaks program. Something like 500 people have traveled to other countries on this program while I've been running it, and many of them have found themselves changed in incredible ways. That's a damn good feeling.

Pretty much everyone has left for the weekend now, and my cubicle is bare and ready for the office supply pillaging that is sure to take place. I have to head out of here, lugging my multiple bags of office crap that I'm more than tempted to just chuck in the nearest trash can, because I really wish I weren't such a pack rat. I think I'm going to wrestle them into a cab back to Brooklyn, where I will throw them into my car and drive to Hartford, Connecticut. I fly from there to Normal, IL (aka The Homeland) early tomorrow morning. My body and brain may well fully shut down the minute my butt hits that plane seat, knowing this insane month is finally over. But I'm not there yet. I'm still here.

The phrase "mixed emotions" doesn't do any justice to what I'm feeling at this moment, but it comes closer than anything besides crying, and that's messy to do in HTML. The past couple hours have included a steady stream of goodbyes interrupting the last-minute forwarding and listing and sorting and piling for those who will pick up the tasks I'm leaving behind. I have done the best I could to leave things in an order that will allow for a fairly smooth transition, and yet I am sure there are things I've forgotten and left undone, and that is not a good feeling.

But the far worse feeling is that of leaving the people I've worked with here who have become some of the closest friends in my life, and the people to whom I've connected just lately and want so much more time to get to know.

Have you heard Rachel's Life Motto? Well, here's all the wisdom I've got, folks: Life is all about attitude and timing, and we generally have control over only one of those. (Hint: it's not timing.)

I'm fighting pretty hard for that control right now. And I'm looking at a beautiful hand-carved sculpture of friendship and support, a surprising and touching parting gift I received today, and I'm understanding that times of transition offer us a chance to learn and realize things about ourselves and our friendships that we otherwise might not.

Thank you, my friends.

priorities

Today is my birthday.

It is also my last day of work at AJWS.

It is also two days, five hour, and 32 minutes before the start of baseball season.

You might be surprised at which one of these things I'm most excited about.

but will you walk the talk?

I was looking over the website of my alma mater this morning (for work reasons, actually) and found (because it’s a huge banner on the homepage) a link to the Civic Forum that’s taking place at the institution’s Institute for Global Citizenship this week and weekend. The IGC is a new thing, one that I quite wish had been in existence when I was in school. It’s a very cool concept that, like many very cool concepts in higher education, could end up being either fascinating and groundbreaking or esoteric and snobbish. (I have faith that Macalester will manage to put it - at least mostly - in the former category.)

But speaking of esoteric, the list of speakers for this upcoming forum includes more Deans of Fuzzy Yet Important Concepts than I ever could have imagined existed. They have a Dean of the Study of Race and Ethnicity? Since when? Reliable sources say she’s really cool, which is great and not surprising, and I’m very happy that they are recognizing the necessity of high-level attention to such issues.

At the same time, I wonder if doing things like creating a dean-ship for that, and for Multicultural Life, and Global Citizenship, and who knows what else, is one of those solutions that involves throwing money and status toward the idea of an issue rather than creating real spaces in which real people can have challenging and meaningful discussion about the issue itself (not to mention the fact that I hope the Deans of Everything Mentioned Above are getting together for conversation pretty damn often, because it seems to me that these things are very, very intertwined). I think that is the greatest potential and often one of the greatest failures of higher education - right after the failure to create motivation and space for action and engagement.

Might I suggest yet another position - the Dean of Shut Up and Go Do Something?

wow... again...

This is a sunrise in Iran during Monday's partial solar eclipse - that's the moon to the left of the sun, not a perfectly round cloud. Thanks again to NASA... check out the link down right for the full explanation. WOW.

an unfortunate lack of technology (and brain)

It's always problematic to suddenly lack access to the technology you need to be able to work and keep in touch with people as much as you need and want. But, really? It's hard to think of a worse time for my laptop to bite the dust and my cell phone charger to have been left (ok, forget the passive voice - for me to be a dumbass and leave my cell phone charger...) three states away. (Knock on wood.)

This post actually has a practical application - if you need, really need, to be in touch with me between now and Sunday afternoon, well... that'll be hard. During the day Friday you can email me (or call my office phone if you have that #). After that? Um, yeah... Hope no one (like the three groups of college students I have in Central America right now, or the other three groups going on Sunday) has any emergencies.

Come to think of it, I may just go to Verizon today and buy another charger. Damn it.

the bright side

When I moved to New York City in 2005 I had to throw away my couch and my box spring because they couldn't fit through the door of my apartment.

The good news is: this time I wasn't trying to move a couch.

1 hour, 21 minutes

The movers are coming at 9:00 this morning. Everything is in boxes, cleaned up, cleared off, stowed. Well, nearly everything. The sheets are in the dryer, because it's going to be really nice to be able to put clean sheets on my bed first thing when I get there. Good thing I just took an extra look at the mantle, because there was a pile of old mail sitting there for me (including the new Girlyman CD!). I'm coming back to this house later in the week when I come back to NYC, because I can't quite handle being truly out of here today. But this is really pretty much it. Crazy.

update: It really is 7:39am, not 6:39am as the post time would have you believe. Is it because of my Windows patching failure for the end of daylight savings, or did Blogger fail too?

so much to report today!

Another website I like is Gizmodo, a tech gadget blog (www.gizmodo.com). First we had astronomy humor, now technology humor...

Mio to World: France Moved.

(Mio is apparently a GPS system maker... one that may not last long, methinks. Though, sadly, I really wonder how many people really noticed that they put a whole country in the wrong place on their maps. Though the Europeans are probably much more on top of such things than we are.)

I'm getting things done today, really. Not just sitting at my computer trolling the internet for cool things to post.

Eiffel eclipse

One of my favorite websites is NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day (see the link down right), because they post things like this. They also often have really funny commentary (once you get there, click on the "duck" hyperlink).

p.s. If that link doesn't work, go to the NASA website, click "Calendar" and look at January 30, 2007. And then look at everything else. As if I had to tell you that.

p.p.s. Thanks to the cousin for pointing out that particular astronomy humor.

contrasting driving experiences, and what does the universe have against me moving?

Yesterday (Thursday) morning, as I drove up the Merritt Parkway through the waaaay too early morning from Queens to Brattleboro (I couldn't leave Weds night because I was at work too late and then needed to pack) (I have to readjust to having to be at work at 8:30am in this new job. Blech.), I saw something that may only be classifiable as a meteorological and/or astronomical wonder. The day had not yet dawned but was obviously wet and foggy; my windshield wipers were on throughout the trip. Then, through a clearing in the trees off to my right, I glimpsed a big red sliver of a moon hanging low in the pre-dawn sky. It was breathtaking, and that was before I realized that it made absolutely no sense that I could see the moon. It was cloudy and raining! Yet it remained visible, this perfect red sliver, for at least the next hour until the sky began to lighten. Amazing. I can't figure it out, but it made me grateful to be awake at that ungodly hour. Cool shit happens before the sun comes up; almost makes me want to get up that early all the time. But not quite.

Today, however, the universe (chuckling to itself and saying "no more fun driving for you," I think) confirmed that it doesn't like it when I move. Or that my major life changes are closely linked to blizzards. Or something.

Two years ago, when I moved from Minneapolis to New York City, one of the biggest snowstorms to hit NYC in a few years followed along on my heels as I drove east. At that time I actually drove from Madison, WI straight through to the Pennsylvania/New Jersey state line before stopping for some sleep, so that I would stay ahead of the snow. In case you're not familiar with I-80 from Chicago to New York, aka this country's most boring stretch of driving (and I've driven the entire north-south length of Indiana, so believe me when I say I don't apply that label lightly), Madison to somewhere in eastern Ohio would be a good long day's drive. That was the original plan, in fact. But then I decided to continue driving the entire length of Pennsylvania instead, and that is a darn long state horizontally.

There have been a couple blizzards, or at least cruddy gross weather systems, since January 2005. But actually, when you think about it, really not all that many. In fact it really hasn't snowed much at all in the past couple years. I guess there was recently a good storm or two in Vermont, but not much prior to that this winter. But then the giant ear of the universe (and I don't mean John Ashcroft, though I'm pretty sure he's still listening too) heard me schedule movers to come to my house this Sunday morning (which is REALLY FREAKING SOON, by the way). Meaning I had to get back from VT to NY today after work, so that I could finish packing and turn around Sunday to drive back with the movers.

So today a weather system started dumping sleet and snow on New York City in the morning and progressed up toward New England, where it is expected to drop one to two FEET of snow in Brattleboro, and more up in the hill towns, before it ends tomorrow night.

People in New England generally try to avoid sacrifices to the weather gods (more intelligently, I might add, than people in, say, the mid-Atlantic, who freak out and actually drive worse when it snows half an inch), and I work for especially nice people who actually encouraged me to leave early today, around 2:00pm. It was just starting to snow then in Brattleboro. I saw three cars in the ditch before crossing the Massachusetts state line (which is NOT far south of Brattleboro). Six-and-a-half hours later, I got back to Queens. (For perspective: yesterday morning - with no traffic and a good amount of caffeine - the drive took three hours. It's generally three to four hours.) That was AWESOME.

By the way, if you drive an SUV (in which case what are you doing knowing me well enough to read my blog? Unless you purchased it to haul your future boat, in which case I grant you a grudging exception. You know who you are.), it does not entitle you to drive 70mph as if you are not in the middle of a blizzard. And please look when you change lanes. My little grey Honda doesn't show up well in snow. That is why you NEARLY KILLED ME in Hartford. Yes, you.

By the way, several people (most notably the VERY AWESOME Minnesotan who happened to be in MA for work and drove up so that he can now be called my first official visitor in Brattleboro, having arrived at my house yesterday about half an hour after I got there for the first real time myself), have suggested that this means I should, in the future, only move in the summer months. Seriously, people. Do you people want to start having blizzards in July? THINK ABOUT IT.

and counting

I've worked 42.5 hours at AJWS thus far this week.

if you don't see the humor in this, you are not my friend

Malaysian monks face ant dilemma

hmm, maybe we're all just lazy?

Why can't everyone just manually change the clocks on their computers and various other technology? I guess when you're on a big work server maybe it's important to automatically update everyone. But why did I have to download something from Microsoft to patch Windows to update automatically (which I guess I did wrong, because it didn't update anyway)? Why can't we all just do it ourselves?

as of thursday

Last night I left the office at 9:30pm. I missed my own farewell happy hour. I've worked 33 hours at my New York job this week. That averages out to a little more than four 8-hour days. Great, except I worked two full days in Vermont this week too.

bitch bitch bitch...

yawn*

Do you ever wonder if your perception of the world is actually entirely different than most people's? I'm not a believer in the "one reality" concept, so I believe we all have different perceptions of the world to a certain extent. So no one's version of reality can really be "wrong." But what if you go around thinking that your version matches up pretty well with that of the majority of people, but actually it's totally different? Would anyone tell you? Would you be able to handle it if someone did? What would you do? What if you were operating your life under a totally different set of assumptions than just about everyone else, and you didn't realize it?

I think the world might be a better place if we all allowed, even just a tiny bit, for that possibility.

It would certainly be a bit more interesting.

a lousy spy, and some lousy luck

It is unique and strange to have the opportunity to begin one job before leaving another, particularly when those jobs are somewhat similar. I feel a little bit like a spy. One who doesn't have the energy to report back what she's learned from the other side.

I just returned to New York City after my first two days at SIT, and I have to say, I feel a little schizophrenic*. One part of my brain must function in a world in which I know my job very well, know the systems and files and protocols that characterize AJWS, and have a million things to accomplish before the sun rises tomorrow. The (or an) other part is sort of empty, needing to be filled with the trillion and one pieces of information and systems and procedures, etc., that characterize SIT Study Abroad. I'm very glad I don't have to force those to parts into coexistence for very long, because oh man is it tiring.

Side note: on the systems-and-procedures scoreboard, SIT totally kicks AJWS's ass. It's exciting to be at an organization that's been doing this work for a long time and is very clear on its mission and goals and audience and message. Really exciting. Nothing against AJWS at all. It's just very young and, frankly, pretty confused in some ways, I think.

On yet another depressing note, I just got an email from a high school friend who kicked cancer once only to have it come back, and the second round didn't really go her way. The score is now tied 1-1, and she is about to undergo some hardcore chemo that, frankly, will either kill the cancer or will kill her. So I ask this of you: if you have good health, a home, people who love you, all that jazz... please hug your loved ones and thank your stars and put some good energy into this world. Please think of my friends, whether you know them or not, and hold them in the light. Will it help? Who knows. But it can't hurt, and if nothing else I hope it makes us all glance toward whatever power of the universe we put faith in, and say a big fat thank you.

Now I have to put some stuff into boxes. Because that is what fills the other part of my brain right now.

*with all apologies to people who suffer from real schizophrenia; of course I have no idea what it's like to actually suffer from that illness.

and now for something COMPLETELY different...

Chicken poop lip balm.

This is not a joke (except for how it sort of is in a way).

http://ilovechickenpoop.com/

I'm totally buying this for my Arkansas farm girl friends (you know how you are). It's too perfect.

who needs special effects?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/6416721.stm

*hug*

Bad things happen to good people all the time. We can't think about it too much because it would be paralyzing. But a really bad thing happening to a really wonderful person, someone I know and love dearly, is something I'm having trouble not thinking about. Regardless of how suffocatingly pressurized my little work world is right now.

Never wait to tell the people you love that you love them.

reading between the lines

An "overheight" truck shut down the New York City Port Authority bus terminal at rush hour today. By the time I arrived at Port Authority - where I was boarding a bus to New Jersey to have dinner with relatives - things had been shut down for maybe 45 minutes.

Now, most of you have probably never had the pleasure of navigating that bus station, so let me tell you, it is something to behold. Willy Wonka could not have dreamed up a more chaotic-yet-efficient structure for getting a whole lotta suburbanite salarymen (and women) in one door and out the other as quickly as possible.

(Now, I freely admit that I actually take a bus from Port Authority about once every three months, so it's possible that regulars would scoff at this description, whether for misguided praise or misplaced modifiers or whatever. Luckily, I don't think any "real" New Yorkers - or New Jersey suburbanites, for that matter - are reading this blog.)

Anyway, I've always been fascinated by the building itself, how from the outside you can always see a constant stream of buses in circuitous descent of the many levels, and how the inside seems constantly stuck on fast-forward as commuters zip around to their various bus gates, always knowing where to go despite the dizzying number of options and total lack of signage.

But today the zipping ended in surprised halting and amazement at the lines snaking everywhere around the huge terminal building. I cut through three arms of what I realized was all the same line in order to get to the ticket machine, and chatted with several women near the head of the line who assured me (luckily, correctly) that the delays looked worse than they were. As the loudspeaker droningly assured us that the vertically gifted truck had been cleared and the terminal was now running full schedule, people calmly bought their tickets and tracked the various lines to their ends to join the queue.

And here's the thing: just about everyone was quiet, calm and patient. These are New Yorkers; the whole purpose of living and working in the city (or working here and living in the suburbs) is to rush around self-importantly and hiss at tourists who move through our sidewalks and Starbucks at Iowa speed. These are people who can't stand 10 seconds in lines at airports before they begin to mock the poor TSA officers (who, by the way, could make more money working at McDonalds) for their inefficiency, who yell at their baristas at Starbucks for serving the tourists so-what-if-they-were-here-first-I-have-an-important-conference-call.

Yet here they all stood in twisting, confusing lines, either resisting their petty complaining urges or maybe, just maybe, not even feeling them at all. Just reading their magazines and calling their spouses and sometimes even joking with one another about the incredible backup of thousands of people caused by one idiot truckdriver. There were no death threats, no jeering, no snide remarks. It was fascinating and more than a little heartwarming to look around at the sea of faces, the beautiful melting pot of people from all over the city and all over the world, coming from their thousands of different jobs and daily frustrations, just waiting to go home for the day.

Yes, there are things I will miss.